You know, everyday I try to be a good person. I know that I am no where near perfect and that I have many things to work on and many things that I want to change about myself and my life. I try to be kind to others, I go to church regularly, I read the scriptures, I say my prayers, I pay my tithing, and I try to serve others whenever I can. I do all of these things becaues it feels good to do them, but also because there is a part of me (maybe a BIG part of me) that wants to be blessed for my good behavior. So every night as I am kneeling before going to bed, as I say my prayers, I thank the Lord for all that He has given me and then I proceed to ask for those things which I would like to be blessed with.
I have to admit that sometimes I get frustrated because it seems like there are some things that I have been asking for for a very long time. There is a part of me that thinks that the reason that I haven't been blessed with those things that I want so very much is because I am not righteous enough. Or that I haven't been dilligent enough about reading the scriptures. Or that I said a mean thing about someone or did something bad so now I don't deserve those blessings. Or...the worst thing...that God just doesn't love me enough to bless me with those things that I want.
The Lord has said, "If you love Me keep My commandments." However, I wonder if what I am really saying to Him is "If You love me keep my commandments." Meaning that I think He only loves me if He grants me every wish of my heart....if He keeps my commandments to Him. And therefore if I don't get the blessings I want that He must not love me. How silly is that?
What it comes down to is this...I know that God lives and that He truly is in charge and knows everything. Deep down I know that He loves me, even if sometimes I have a hard time feeling that love because I have hardened my heart against it. I know that He wants good things for me. What I need to remind myself of is that because He loves me He has a plan for me and He knows the right time for every element of that plan to come to pass. He also wants me to have experiences that will make me a better person and that will teach me what I need to know to progress. Gosh...I hate learning these kinds of lessons!
